More shameless self-promotion

E&T Education Summer 2012 (featuring my article!)

So, this is my first cover story! Well, except the article on Fair Trade I wrote for County News, a free monthly Lincolnshire paper, when I was fifteen. It’s definitely my first scientific cover story though! I am very excited, particularly since this article was such a struggle to write thanks to my being ill. It helped show me that I can do things even when I’m not mentally well. I’m probably too excited, since I’m bragging about it here. Recovering depressive, pride in achievements, etc, etc.

(Incidentally, that County News article may have been responsible for the Fair Trade stall’s profits plummeting. That’s another story that won’t be appearing on any covers, but may appear here at some point. I fear the Large Hadron Collider may break down soon thanks to my bad article karma.)

The magazine in question is “a free magazine sent to all UK secondary schools (science and design and technology departments), teachers’ training colleges and many educational organisations”. I originally met the editor at the Big Bang Fair in 2009, where he asked me to write something having listened to me describe my project (it partly involved electronics). Since then I’ve written three articles for them – one on my Nuffield project, one on my visit to CERN and this latest one. Sadly this issue is the magazine’s last, but it’s been a great publication and I feel very lucky to have been asked to write for it – having that level of faith invested in me as a newbie was so valuable.

Just goes to show where STEM subjects can take you! </cheesy sci comm stock phrase>

17th May 2012 Sci comm No comments

Hello Sci Commers!

It’s very possible that you’re here right now because you picked up one of my business cards at the Science Communication Conference, or got here via my tweets on the #scicom12 hashtag. Hello! Thank you! Welcome! My last few blog posts have been largely mental health-focused, so I wanted to write a short post about my more sciencey inclinations. (Though I do approach mental health in quite a scientific way at least…)

You may have read my about page (see the red bar above) already, but if not it provides essentially a list of the things I’ve done. To put it more informally, I’m a theoretical physics student passionate about showing as many people as I can how awesome science is. I do this in a number of ways, such as writing and editing articles, going into schools to speak or run science days, talking at conferences, mentoring young people – whatever passes my way, really! My immediate future plans in this area include starting a network for LGBTQ* UK STEM professionals (so many acronyms!), running a Young Rewired State centre in Nottingham in August and science writing for various outlets. Having suffered mental health issues for most of my life I’m interested in reducing the stigma that surrounds these kinds of conditions, as well as exploring new ways to promote wellbeing (especially technology and social media based). I’m also starting out in the world of serious website design, my current expertise being WordPress theme design (though I still haven’t gotten round to prettifying my own site, sadly!).

One area I’m especially interested in is gifted and talented education, with emphases on wellbeing and helping G&T young people from working-class and/or non-academic backgrounds. I would also love to get involved in convincing more girls to study STEM subjects. Being fairly young myself, I really enjoy putting myself in the shoes of younger people who may or may not be interested in science and finding the best way to spark their curiosity. Though I study theoretical physics, I can find fascination in just about any area of STEM (and subjects beyond too). I do, however, suffer from an annoying tendency to get interested in far more things than I can possibly do! I’m pretty good at generating ideas, but I need focus. If you reckon my services might be of use to you (that makes me sound like an assassin, but I have a policy of non-homicidal outreach) or your organisation feel free to drop me an email at c[at]courtneywilliams.co.uk.

In the meantime please subscribe to my RSS feed or add me on your social network of choice (see the icons in the sidebar). I will be getting up a blog post tomorrow concerning my thoughts on at least a couple of elements of the Science Communication Conference. And don’t worry, I’m not always this self-promoting!

15th May 2012 Mental health, Sci comm, Young people No comments

*sigh of self-indulgent angst*

meh

Photo by Rick Harris on Flickr

Tomorrow I’m due to go to Manchester for a couple of days for a maths outreach workshop. The problem is, that’s the last thing I want to be doing right now. As I mentioned previously, I’m in some pain and also mentally not feeling very well. When I’m anxious or depressed, the pain gets worse. And right now, I am anxious and depressed. It feels so strange to be writing while I’m feeling anxious and depressed, but I’m hoping that getting my feelings out will help and won’t be too incoherent.

Every time I feel like this I find myself racking up in my head how long it’s lasted. The PHQ-9 and GAD-7, the questionnaires used to diagnose depression and anxiety respectively, require you to have felt various symptoms for at least two weeks. (Emo!Courtney pipes up, “but I’ve felt like this for over half my life!”) Of course, these questionnaires are not precisely prescriptive, but it’s interesting how, even at my best, I still count as moderately depressed and anxious under their schemes.

Certainly, I’m a long way from not being able to get out of bed (she says as she types lying down in bed), but the thoughts that confined me there are constantly present despite my efforts to reason with them. A lot of them are objectively logical, as well. Not living is preferably to living in pain and contributing nothing. There must be something wrong with you if you can’t sustain any friendships. Things normal people do without thinking are achievements to you, which is pathetic. You can’t act like you care about social justice if you get emotional just reading about it. You’re not going to cope at university, but you can’t cope at home either – you may as well give up. I guess my feelings could be summed up by what Stephen Fry said in “The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”, “I don’t want to kill myself, but I wouldn’t mind dying”. Of course, that lack of action means my illness doesn’t count in the eyes of the NHS. (I know a line has to be drawn in treating people, but it’s so frustrating to fall just the wrong side of it. Then again, the Tories will probably make it the case that you don’t get treatment unless you were a member of the Bullingdon Club. SATIRE.)

If I were to ever get help from a mental health service again, this is the sort of thing I’d like to learn:

  • How to cope with near constant overwhelm and not get so exhausted doing it that you don’t have the energy for anything else – right now I have articles and emails and organising to do and I just keep having panic attacks and needing to lie down
  • How to acknowledge, understand and help put an end to unambiguously bad things in the world without crumbling under the depression caused by them
  • How to relax around people who’ve treated you unkindly in the (distant and immediate) past – and not get angry about said treatment
  • How to deal with impotent anger – the type you get when, say, you get just a little tired of reading about highly privileged people who deny how lucky they are or assume people with less privilege just don’t exist (just in general, how to live and be productive in a world that has so much bad stuff in it)
  • Living with both constant low-grade anxiety/dysthymia and the threat of panic attacks/major depression relapses
  • Pain management and coming to terms with an illness like fibromyalgia (not a serious one, in my case, which only adds to the guilt)
  • Generally getting over the last couple of years (I’m still annoyed my only advice to help me with an “abusive” friendship was to end it – people who work in mental health should know that’s only the beginning)
  • Not feeling defeated when every success over a negative thought pattern is like a level up without the skill boost

Too much to ask? Probably, from the NHS. I’ll just keep reading decent self-help books and trying to make positive decisions (including going tomorrow) until I can afford to pay someone to help me. On an academic’s salary it may take a while, but I can dream…

On a more practical, less self-indulgent note, here are some tactics I have found useful in getting me to respond to some huge emails: limiting the number of tabs I can have open with No More Tabs, coming off Twitter briefly (too many articles and other things to get worked up about get posted there) and unplugging my USB mouse so I can’t click away from an active tab so easily (I assume my laptop’s broken trackpad is a clever built-in anti-procrastination device). Now I just need to do everything else!

6th May 2012 Mental health 2 comments

April gone she has

This was supposed to be the post where I congratulated myself in a faintly disgusting manner on being so good at blogging, then ruminated on the balance between quality and quantity inherent in any creative endeavour and applied that to my own BEDA experience, but predictably things didn’t quite work out that way.

The healthy side of my brain thinks that I did a good job this month and wrote some well-received posts and also wants to remind me about the existence of kittens.

The considerably louder depressive side thinks I wrote too little and what I did write wasn’t good enough (the well-receivers were, after all, just being kind) and also wants to remind me I’m allergic to kittens.

I’m not surprised I only achieved a third of what I set out to do – I try to ground my optimism in reality and consider my very real limitations. I’m fine with limitations. I’m used to them. I’m even learning how they work. Still, my brain insists on insisting that I’m less of a person because I can do less than the average person. I’ve gotten better at reasoning with it, but thanks to a bad few days that’s gotten nigh on impossible. The insults I’d never use against anyone else but that I don’t hesitate to use against myself keep seeping through, the limitations feel like failures again and the successes have turned into more sticks with which to beat myself.

Since coming back from those few days away I’ve had the customary comedown. However, the pain and tiredness have been a lot worse than they have previously, along with the small things that make me sad being harder to get over and just building up and building up. At the risk of sounding hopelessly angsty, it feels like it won’t end. I’m not sleeping well and I’m not able to motivate myself to do much, even though last week I was proud of myself for motivating myself to cook and tidy a little (small things of a different type to those I mentioned earlier). This is particularly worrying when I’m two weeks away from having to prove I’m fit to return to university and I’ve realised my “best” is still mild to moderate depression. It always seems that just as things start to improve, the rug gets pulled from under my feet and I have to clamber back up and then deal with the cuts and bruises oh and I’ll need something for that broken ankle too…

A brief observation: if you’re to avoid becoming a horribly bitter person, you can’t be angry at the sort of people who specialise in pulling rugs. You can only express regret for standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, which is something you couldn’t help. You can empathise with whatever made that person do such a malicious thing – they probably didn’t mean it, at the very least. Maybe they’re hurting more than anyone else, so take out their anger on rugs – you just happened to be standing in the way. (People do all sorts of strange, unhelpful things when they’re depressed but don’t know it.) Perhaps they just weren’t being considerate, or they didn’t realise you’d fall so badly. Intent isn’t magical though; broken ankles, and subsequent textile floor covering phobias, don’t heal themselves. After a few such incidents, it’s easy to see why having to learn to walk again would get tiresome. Even if you do, it’s so exhausting to walk when injured that you barely have the energy to enjoy yourself. But still, you must, unless you want to end up like one of those people tasked with scaring others into losing weight on “Supersize vs Superskinny”.

(I know, my metaphors suck.)

What I’m trying to get at is that things are tough, but I’m trying to get round them. Not succeeding much, but trying. (And, hey, if you’re reading this and you’re not me, there’s at least one thing I’ve accomplished!) I accept this is most likely a temporary mood dip and if I keep working I’ll pull myself out of it. A bad few days doesn’t inevitably turn into a relapse. Rest assured that I won’t write any extended moans beyond this post – it’s hard to get the balance right between being open about my illnesses and simply moaning, but I’m going to err on the side of caution.

If it’s any consolation, I dislike myself even more than you do at this point. Here’s some Simon and Garfunkel to placate us both.

1st May 2012 Blogging No comments

Third Degree Thursday: What should I do with my Youtube channel?

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Photo by Amit Patel on Flickr (taken at Bletchley Park – it’s more than just codebreakers ;-) )

I didn’t want to ruin my perfect run of blogging failure, so this post will be another of the “blatantly phoned in”/”horribly self-absorbed” variety.

In case you hadn’t noticed (which you probably won’t have since I barely mentioned it and, let’s be honest, it’s hardly interesting), I have a new Youtube account. I changed it so all my account names would be a closer match. It couldn’t be an exact match because, while I did once have “stellarbuffoon” as my Youtube username, I deleted it during a low mood and can’t get the name back, and my full name is also taken. Yes, this kind of irritates me. Yes, I am a complete loser.

When I moved to my new channel I reuploaded the Doctor Who video, but not the bullying one. I feel like the bullying one’s central thesis, that bullying is borne in part from immaturity, was put a bit too harshly. I didn’t credit insecurity as much as I should – the reason being that insecurity has been very extensively covered in that context, whereas I’ve never seen immaturity discussed. I think I should have made the point that we need to teach children (and adults) to deal with their insecurities in a mature fashion; I fear I came across as simply condemning, which I didn’t intend. I’d like to review the video (except for the part about watching myself, blech) before putting it up. I hope my removing it doesn’t come across as me pretending I haven’t done something wrong – if nothing else, I’ve stated that here.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to promote my old projects, but to choose new ones. As usual, I have a lot of ideas, but no real motivation or direction. There are so many things I could do that my overwhelm tends to get in the way of any real activity. Here are the ideas I have so far, I’d appreciate knowing what you think:

  • Book vlogging: I’ve noticed that most book vloggers (with the exception of Joanne Manaster) concentrate on YA lit and romance. There’s nothing wrong with that (well-written YA lit is one of the best things ever), but I would like to do something different – talking about the books and book-related topics in which I’m interested. This would probably be very popular-science orientated (especially science biographies, which I love), though with a healthy dose of other stuff too. I would also possibly be the only Youtube book vlogger who isn’t a fan of either “Harry Potter”, “Twilight” or “The Hunger Games” (okay, so I haven’t read the latter, but that still sets me apart from the rest of human civilisation).
  • Science videos: I need to do more things for Scientific Kitty – these things could be videos on the science behind TV shows, or videos about my favourite science programs, or anything. Another idea I have is a video on the physics of the violin/viola. I also promised Paul on Twitter a while back that I’d do something explaining dark matter. I refuse to give up on that goal! I want to put the Lincoln Astronomical Society talk I couldn’t give online too. I have to admit I’m leaning towards videos with a more lecture-y format, if only so I can practise writing on a whiteboard. (I would especially like to team up with Andrew on something though…)
  • Mental health videos: I write a lot about mental health, but for many people who are actually affected by mental illness a blog post (especially one of my monsters) is too long to take in. Videos are far easier to consume, so would hopefully be more helpful.
  • Music: one of the goals on my “London List” (which I’ll write about soon) is to join a music group of some kind. I can’t do this when the thought of playing in front of anyone terrifies me. Therefore, I should film myself playing music to build confidence! (This was suggested to me by Gordon in one of our mammoth email exchanges.)
  • Imperial vlogs: as you may know I was a student blogger for Imperial in my first year. Though I don’t want to apply again and take the chance from someone else, I would like to contribute to making online media that will help people realise how applying to Imperial is the most amazing idea ever. (Not ignoring our downsides, of course, but still. WE HAVE ABC SANDWICHES.) I have blog posts planned, but there’s something about vlogging that just seems more accessible.

I really want to work on my confidence and delivery (I have a tendency to rush when I’m talking, plus get stage fright), and video making should provide a perfect opportunity to do this. I’m also going to work on transcribing and subtitling all my videos so they’re accessible to everyone.

I have to admit there’s something else that’s holding me back, relating to (you guessed it!) my not-so-nice friend. She told me on more than a few occasions that I “stole” her interests and made them my own, or that me being interested in things or recommending them was an instant downer. My brain is still partly in eggshell-stepping mode – I don’t want to make any of my video-making friends feel awful by joining in with the fun. At the same time I recognise that most people aren’t as ill as I suspect she was, so won’t necessarily react in the same way. (I know I don’t when friends share interests – even when they go further than I ever could, as so many of them do. Seriously, I have the coolest, kindest, most inspiring friends. I feel so lucky to be in such a position.)

I know it’s silly to still feel like this. I’m working hard to overcome the fear though. While at one point I could barely leave the house or do anything, now I’m able to take trips and interact widely online without answering to anyone. I’m hoping making videos freely will be the next step.

I know it’s terribly presumptuous of me to think that anyone even cares what I do, but I have at least had people asking me when I’m making more videos, and I’m not saying you have to think I have any aptitude for it. I would just appreciate a bit of input regarding where I should go next. So have at it! Which of my ideas do you think is the least terrible? What should I go for first? Are there any more at which you’d like me to have a stab? If nothing else, you’ll get a tiny boost from the credit I’ll give you when I get round to making your contribution a reality – plus, of course, your very own slice of my eternal gratitude.

26th Apr 2012 Third-Degree Thursday 2 comments

Coming Out Stories: Tiptoeing Out Of The Closet

Happy Breakfast

Image by Fernando Messino on Flickr

More Queereka goodness – this time on the topic of coming out of the closet, asexual-style! Check my piece out here.

24th Apr 2012 Random No comments

Grrr! Argh!

FAIL STAMP

Image by Nima Badiey on Flickr

(If you can name the reference in the title, you will receive several cookies*.)

Yesterday it was time zones, today apparently it’s “how to work the incredibly simple CMS that you’ve been using for about two years and on which you have just promised to design something for someone”.

If you saw a post called “Half The Sky” earlier, ignore it; it’s just random notes that I thought I’d just saved as a draft. You’ll probably be relieved by that, since it at least means I haven’t taken up writing terrible poetry. The bad news: there were so few notes because I started using Kindle highlights instead a chapter or two in. I highlighted well over one hundred things, ranging from single words to whole paragraphs. It’s going to be a looooong review. (But also thankfully may be some time.) I always feel slightly mortified when unfinished posts get made public by accident. I can’t quite put into words why though, so mentioning it was kind of pointless. And now I’m going to move on as if I didn’t.

I’m not counting this as a BEDA post so I’m still only hitting half my post-a-day target, which I’m in two minds about. On the one hand, I’ve written! On the other, I’ve not written enough.

Hear that? It’s the sound of my inbox crying because it’s too full and I’m neglecting it.

In other news, I now need more than my hands to count the number of times I’ve hit myself in the face with my iPad. (I didn’t want you to get the impression that the fail is confined to my brain.)

Grrr. Argh.

*Disclaimer: cookies may not be the delicious kind. Or the kind that exists.

14th Apr 2012 Random 2 comments

13 Myths and Misconceptions About Asexual People: Part Two

Rainbow Cake

Image by Amy Wharton on Flickr

[This got posted to RSS a little too early by accident, since apparently I still haven't grasped the concept of time zones - apologies for that.]

The second part of my first post on Queereka, 13 Myths and Misconceptions About Asexual People, is up! Check it out here – if you missed part one, you can check that out too.

12th Apr 2012 Queereka, Random No comments
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